"To be is to do" - Descartes

"To do is to be" - Sartres

"Do be do be do" - Frank Sinatra

For mye av det gode må være deilig..

Ma West

En visktenpaleig unsdelrøkese har vist at desrom de to føsrte- og to siste botsvkeane i alle oredne i en tekst er riktig plessart, spllier det liten rolle hvkilen reføkkelge de øvirge boskvetane i oredne kommer. Tektsen er fullt lebsar selv om de andre bokeastvne kommer huilbtertlulter! Dette er fordi vi ikke leser hver eneklt botksav, men ser bidlet av ordet som hehleet.

Inresastaent!

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS. To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

A Scott, Edinburgh

Although the earth is larger, the moon is farther away.

Nicholas Herold, Arlington, USA

Hairdressers always ask you where you're going on holiday; why don't travel agents ask you where you have your hair done?

Tony, Croydon

Sex is the most intimate, beautiful and natural experience that money can buy.

Neil, Essex

 

If something is adjustable, sooner or later it will need adjusting.

Steve, Coventry

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

Evil_T, Penicuik

Indecision is the basis of flexibility

Billy2sheds, Huddersfield

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool

If you were to recite everything Jesus is recorded to have said, it would take less than two hours.

TG

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Andy

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

A Scott, Edinburgh

Electronic equipment runs on smoke - let the smoke out and it dies.

Presactly

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? And do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Timothy Loudon

If water is H2O... does that make ice H2O cubed?

Bryan Arthur

Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Bart

Apparently if you type the following backwards: natas evol i it says "I love Satan". Spooky.

U Want Fries

Red meat isn't bad for you. Green meat is.

Ooky

All these talking machines are getting me down. My car tells me to put my seatbelt on, my fridge tells me to shut the door and my table lamp tells me to go out and kill people.

Matt Smith

The best cure for seasickness, ever... Sit under a tree.

Matt Brown

The phrase "It's not over until the fat lady sings" is actually a mis-quote. The correct phrase is "It's not over until the fat lady sinks" and has its origins in the game of billiards. The black eight ball was commonly referred to as the "fat lady" so no matter how bad the game was for a competitor it wasn't over until the "fat lady" sank.

james trotman

The reason beer tastes so smooth is because it is good for you.

kathryn.ratcliffe

If you freeze a bee you can tie a bit of string to it like a leash. Let it de-frost and it will be totally unharmed by the freezing and you can then take your pet bee for a walk (or take it for a fly) in your local park.

hammy burgess

Life is just nature's way of keeping meat fresh.

ian.mcguire

The average scalp has 100 000 hairs. Redheads have the least at 80 000; brown and black haired people have about 100 000; and blondes have the most at 120 000.

kerry wright

Press the door close and floor button at the same time and it will go to that floor without stopping along the way. Mostly used by cleaners etc so often found in large hotels and office blocks.

dawn budge

The internet was invented by the American military as a durable scalable means of transferring information and so that in the event of nuclear war American military leaders could still look at pornography.

The saying "saved by the bell" comes from the old days when they used to dig up graves and find scratch marks on the inside of coffins. People used to attach a piece of string to the inside of the coffin and this used to run up through the earth and was attached to a bell. If the person was still alive they could pull the string hence "saved by the bell" Also the saying "dead ringer" and "graveyard shift" come from the same thing!! I hope you've all had a good weekend?

jason_rawles

They aren't really fixing the streets just moving the holes around so motorists can't memorise them

Mike

The reason it's so windy in this country is cos of those big windfarms all over the countryside. Total waste of electricity if you ask me...

colin capelle

Wales is the only country in the world that entered this Millenium with the same flag as when it entered the last Millenium

Ace

The bitter end is not an emotion, but a knot in the end of a painter (rope) to stop it passing through the "bits" on the deck of a ship. That do?

Mike Ryalls

24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Peter Hunt, Bromsgrove

The wind is caused by trees moving to and fro, thereby causing a draught.

Don Pardoe, Halesowen

Perpetual motion: toast always land buttered-side-down. Cats always land on their feet. Strap a slice of buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop it. It will hover, slowly spinning, inches above the ground. This energy can be harnessed with a dynamo.

Oliver Kreitman, London

A falling cat always lands on its paws and buttered toast always falls butter side down. Cats' paws are therefore made of butter.

Stuart Young, Southampton

Why do we clink glasses when we 'cheers' someone before drinking? Because in mediaeval times they would clash glasses so that liquid from each glass would spill into one another's glass & prove that both were drinking with good will and not to poison each other!

Waldersley

A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops; on my desk I have a work station.

Kerry Peters, London

A shark will only attack you when you're wet.

Barry Pearson, Newark

There is no such thing as 3rd World - it refers to the 1/3 of the world's population who don't know if they'll eat tomorrow. well... you asked...

Becky Duncan, Isle of Dogs

wd40 will get chewing gum out of carpets

Lynne Hucker, Ffestiniog